Death, Dying & Feeling Like Crap

I am used to death. I have been to many funerals. It's just a part of life.

I think things started to change when the closest person to me, Nana, was dying. I remember being in the hospital by her bed as she hallucinated bugs all over. The nurses said it was normal. Now I am left with the guilt that I didn't call the Dr. to do something about it. I just let it happen. When I left the hospital that night I told her I loved her. She heard me and said she loved me too. Those were the last words we said to each other.

After she died, I really started to think about how she suffered so greatly those last days. It made me think that the people on death row have it too easy. They get a shot and die easily. Why did Nana have to go through hell to die and people who are locked up die nice and neat??

My Gram, who is 95, is in an assisted living. To hear sometimes she wakes up and not know where she is and why is painful to think about. She is healthy and will probably live to over 100. I put her in a fabulous assisted living so I know she is well cared for. The thought of both of her sons dying before she does is just amazing.

No onto my Dad. While typing this, his friend of 56 years just called me to ask what's going on with him. Yesterday he went by ambulance to the ER for a seizure. He is stable and they are running tests to see why he had the seizure. It is difficult to be in Oregon and try and get any information from the hospital. I don't feel guilty for not being there but I know I need to visit soon. It's a strange thing to lose your father even thought he is still alive. I cried when I found out about the seizure but in general I really don't cry much about the whole situation. My sister L says he's real heavy and walks with a shuffle and leans against walls and has to wear Depends. I am torn about seeing him. I would just like to remember the Dad I had and not see him as he is now. But I think it would be good for him to see me.

This will sound strange but depsite his rage and getting hit by him growing up, he was a great Dad. I remember the good things like taking me shopping all the time. Going to every one of my horse shows and going for a hickory burger afterwards. Taking my dogs hiking. Helping me find W when he had his car accident and almost died. Picking me up at school and later on a work just to take me to lunch. Most of all, going to Phillipe's for french dip and then going to the USC games. Those are just of the good things.

So right now as I sit here, I am depresed and aching. I went to the chiropractor after not going for 3 months and my neck is a mess and I have close to a migraine. I really don't want to do anything but stay in my pj's and lay on the couch and eat. I can't bear the thought of leaving the house. I really actually want to clean my house but it's just too overwhelming. I need drugs and chocolate. My sweet hubby bought me an Enquirer and Ben & Jerry's. I am glad W is taking A to a cub scout meeting so I don't have to feel guilty about being on the couch.

OK, I think I've said enough.